Sprinklers

One of the good things about all of this is it makes me a better mom. I know I always thought there would be more time later to do it all "right" and "better"- just after this next crisis/fire/deadline/class and for sure with the next child. But now, the thought that Tanner might be my only child is both a glorious gift and a punch in the gut. Thank goodness he is not even two. Someone tried to comfort me - and it worked- by telling me that now is when they start to remember me anyway. I was such a good mom today- I took him out to the yard, it was hot but ok in the shade. I meant to let him play in the sand, but we ended up trying a few swings and then running through the sprinklers. I was wearing good pants because I went to the doctor, and I was in a hot sweatshirt because it zips up the front. For a moment, just a moment, I didn't want to sweat and I didn't want to have to wash my pants so soon. But in a nice way- not a macabre or melodramatic way- a small reminder just flitted through my brain. It wasn't a lecture and it wasn't an admonition- it was just a flit that made me change my mind just in time. When Tanner came back from the swings to get me to come too (come swing mommy!) I said yes- and when we decided to get wet and stick our tongues out to catch the water- over and over again- I remembered that you can wash clothes. I hate it that I think about time running out sometimes, but its ok, because time is actually doing that to everyone. Just most of us don't have three pounds of gauze strapped around your chest and three drains pinned to the gauze when you think it. It was a good day.